Porn: Just The Tip pt. 2
Welcome back, lovelies -- or maybe this is your first time; either way be sure to read pornography: just the tip as this is a multi-part series and this piece builds off of the previous. The conversation in that feature really revolved around laying the foundation for us to be able to begin chiseling bites off of the porn iceberg so to speak.
Porn often gets a bad rap and folks have a tendency to take a puritanical, abstinence, and shame based stance against it. Heck, when I was trying to do research on it and get some stats, overwhelmingly the results were villainizing and hosted primarily through churches or religious organizations. You know, no bias or agenda there at all. Part Two will focus on providing readers with a basic skeletal structure that will serve as a framework to build upon when moving forward and choosing what porn to watch and where.
First, I want to say that this topic has been covered by folks better poised to give their opinions and (talk about their experiences) than I am. For recommendations and other writings, scroll to the bottom of this feature or click on the text with links attached.
Second, during my last feature I said:
Porn is problematic when:
it is the only sex education a person receives.
fantasy is confused with reality.
one specific body, type of sex, etc. are glorified.
the content is created or posted without consent.
These are all still true, but I left out a very important piece of the puzzle. While stumbling through the internet I discovered this quote from one of my favorite performers and directors, Vex Ashley:
When people think about unethical porn, they think of some creepy guy with a camera and he gets you to do all this stuff and you’re just a helpless little girl, cowering in the corner. A lot of the time it’s more just like: a really fucking long day; and the money you’re getting isn’t worth that; and the guy you're working with isn’t very nice; and they’re keen on anal and you’ve kind of said you don’t want to do anal but they’re really keen for this in the scene; and you feel like you have to say yes, even though you don’t really want to.
My previous piece was more focused on the person watching porn, however, it is important to include this perspective as well: Consent matters for performers and sex workers. End/
Third, I know it is probably obvious to most, if not all, of you but I need to say it anyway: Watching porn and having sex are not problematic behaviors. I see time and time again folks talking about sex and porn addiction in a very blase manor to shame and guilt others. Any behavior can be problematic, but sexual desires, kinks, fantasies, etc. are normal. As humans we are sexual beings and to explore it in a healthy way is okay. As long as your experiences are consensual, everything will be okay.
If you need a refresher on what consent is and is not, my first feature addresses it.
So, what is porn literacy?
“Porn literacy is a framework from which young people can critically examine and make sense of the sexual images they see. Research supports the fact that young people are either actively searching for porn or viewing it accidentally.”
We know people are viewing porn one way or another. It is important to teach folks how to examine and critique porn when they come across it.
So, a few talking points or things to think about when it comes to porn:
Problems with porn as an industry (how they recruit, treat, and pay their workers)
How women are treated, especially in heterosexual porn
Feelings that may come up before, during, and after watching porn
What conversations are missing in porn, like STI status and consent
Frequent absence of condoms or conversations around condoms
Lack of emotional intimacy
Possible negative effects on people with poor body image
Possible negative effects on expectations around sex
Possible negative effects on sexual/romantic relationships
Porn is made for adults over the age of 18
All porn is a fantasy*
*MOST, not necessarily all porn, is fantasy.
Now, back to the meat and potatoes of how to pick what porn to watch beyond what gets your rocks off. What does it mean for porn to be ethical? performers' health and safety are prioritized; content is shared only as intended (on a specific platform or agreed upon audience); performers are not pressured, guilted, tricked, or coerced to participate; and all parties are over the age of 18. Pretty solid and easy list yeah? Now, onto the “How do I watch porn ethically?” part of the show:
pay the people who actually make the porn (see: performers, sex workers etc.)
follow performers rather than a large company
avoid the larger “tube” or hub sites
PAY THE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY MAKE THE PORN:
Sex work is work. Sex workers, pornstars, performers etc. deserve to be compensated appropriately for their work and content. One thing we have seen during the last year and half or however long we’ve been in this COVID fever dream is that folks have turned to platforms like onlyfans (onlyfans… not to be confused with Olney Fans) to share their porn and digital sex. Though, even with it being a step in the right direction for paying performers directly for their content, it is far from perfect . In a list below, I will provide links to some of my own favorites and some favorites of others close to me. It is not an exhaustive list by any means.
Tangential RANT: Many financial institutions make it difficult for sex workers to get paid since they will close your account if they find out you do sex work (I am looking at you paypal, venmo, visa, mastercard, discover, and the list goes on). FOSTA/SESTA has added to the vulnerability of sex workers, but I won’t dive into this today as it would also become a book. The pressure from financial institutions is a part of what made Only Fans consider removing NSFW content from its platform. Earlier this year, a nonprofit I am Associate Director of tried to create a venmo account for fundraising: March Against Revenge Porn. Despite the fact that we are a group supporting victims of image abuse we were not able to create an account even when we appealed the denial.
*ahem* sorry about that. Anyway, by paying artists and performers directly you increase the odds that the performer is posting their own content willingly, you know how much money is going to the performer, and that they had control over what content was created.
FOLLOW PERFORMERS RATHER THAN JUST A LARGE COMPANY:
Along the same lines as above, choosing porn based on the performer rather than a company helps reduce the chances of consuming porn that is unethical. However, in the world of “shit happens”, there is no guarantee. I had a performer that was, and unfortunately still is for many femmes I come across, a fan favorite. He was really the first performer I saw that defied the usual hunk bro-trope I had been accustomed to while watching porn. I later found out that he was deeply problematic when another favorite performer of mine spoke out against him. It didn’t take long for others to step forward with similar stories of abuse. At first glance, it might seem like my example is actually advocating for the opposite of what I am saying, but the fact that I followed both of my favorite performers allowed me to be informed and make the choice to support her and quit supporting him. I know many folks are going to feel like all of this sounds like a lot of work “just to get off” as I have heard it said too many times over the years, but it is necessary. We live in a world where human and sex trafficking, drug use, survival sex, and the exploitations of children bleed into just about everything. By screening your porn and not just snagging clips off the internet -- which we have all been guilty of especially when most of our explorations started before we were 18 years old and able to actually purchase porn -- we can better avoid supporting non-consensual porn.
AVOID THE LARGER “TUBE” OR HUB SITES:
The websites that primarily host videos/photos uploaded by others onto third party sites do not have the capability to properly screen or vet what content is uploaded. Not only do the performers not see money from these sites, it allows for content to be posted without consent. The process to get content removed from these sites is incredibly difficult, it can be traumatizing as you must prove you are the person in the photo/video, and that you did not consent to it being shared. Over the last 5 or so years I have been involved in combating nonconsensual image sharing/image abuse/nonconsensual pornography (most popularly known as revenge porn). During this time, I discovered how pervasive image abuse is and how often these tube sites (not just websites dedicated to such things) end up hosting content shared without consent, whether it’s ripped from legit porn sites/performers or private content that wasn’t meant to be shared with anyone but the recipient(s).
Nonconsensual pornography includes, but is not limited to:
Taking a nude photo/video for someone and having it shared by the recipient to people who were not the intended audience Example: Sending a photo to a partner while still dating, but when you break up they send it to their friends or post it online.
Hacking cloud storage
Stealing a device and sharing content
Taking video/photos without the consent of the person featured
Deep Fakes (When someone’s face or characteristics are edited into a scenario they did not participate in or consent to)
Sharing nonsexual nude photos in a way that was not intended/don’t have license to share
While there are things in place, like the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA), that can help remove content posted without consent it is limited in what it can do. So, by following these 3 steps it becomes easier to be more sure that the porn you are consuming is ethical. We live in a world where industries thrive because there is a demand, and there’s always someone or some entity willing to step in and meet that demand whether it is right to do so or not. The explosion in alt-porn and indie porn. As stated above, shit happens and anything can change at any time, but we need to be accountable and aware.
So, now you might be wondering where to start: explore the names below (some include links to help get you started).
Stoya - onlyfans, How-to-do-it (slate blog and podcast)
Vex Ashley - instagram @vextape, fourchambers (an amazing place to watch porn and find a bunch more wonderful performers that I ran out of time to include), onlyfans or visit linktr.ee/vextape for more
Small Hands
Owen Gray
Ouroboros.Blvck - fansy
Sif Instagram @theserpentlair/
Clint.Blvck Instagram @Clint.Blvck
Jiz Lee website
Bellesa (A company, but one I have heard only good things about so far)
Joanna Angel Website, Instagram@joannaangel, additional links here
Bunny BBW - Instagram@bunny_bbw, website
Rooster
Bishop
Tyler Nixon
Damon Dice
Ask BeLinda
Send in your anonymous, sex-related, health and relationship questions here for BeLinda to answer in her next feature.
Question:
I think my son is watching porn, he is 14. What should I do?
Answer:
Ah yes, the dreaded discovery of the stiff socks, missing lotion from the bathroom, and the suspicious missing browser history. Well, rest assured that it is completely and utterly normal for your 14 year old to be exploring in this way. I also want to say that my opinion on this is probably pretty unpopular (and maybe not even totally legal); however, I think it is important. Let your son watch porn. This only stands if you discover he is watching porn that is problematic i.e. includes minors, violence (not in a consensual BDSM kinda way), or negative attitudes of women etc. then maybe consider therapy to make sure he’s okay. Otherwise, a very uncomfortable truth is that children are sexual beings and it is normal for them to begin exploring their bodies and sexuality at very early (and maybe even shocking) ages. NOTE: I mean this purely as self-exploration.
Begin talking to them about sex, sexuality, pleasure, desire, consent, boundaries, healthy relationships, and pornography.
