The Vulnerability Of Misinformation
*If you would like to skip to the AskBelinda! reader-submitted question—scroll to the bottom of the page!
If you read my first piece let's talk about sex, it's hard you already know that at one point in my life I couldn't say sex words. Now, my life revolves around me thinking about sex in some capacity at least 75% of my waking life, if not more. I like to joke that I am really fun at parties since most of my stories and fun facts are about STDs/HIV. When people hear me talk about the work I do there is almost always that one person who proudly says “I have never had an STD” so I like to bust out my herpes stats (it’s super common, FYI). I am really popular, let me tell you. Yet, even with sex and sexual health being at the forefront of my life in some capacity, I am always amazed at how much there is still left to learn. When I am doing presentations about sexually transmitted infections (STDs) and HIV to folks of any age, there is also almost always that one person in the group who says “I already know everything I need to know” and hey, maybe they do, who am I to say otherwise?
Maybe that’s true... Heck, I used to say I had heard it all when it came to sexual health, but that became the equivalent of saying “What else could go wrong?” because almost immediately someone would say something to me that was… not only new, but shocking in some way (see feature 1 with the story about the teen boys and double d-ing). Needless to say, I no longer say I’ve heard it all. However, while I haven’t heard it all, I have heard quite a bit, and it most frequently falls under the misinformation category. Misinformation breeds fear, shame, guilt, and stigma - it also gives folks a false sense of security leaving them vulnerable. This has been born out over the last year with more than just STDs/HIV, but with how folks have handled COVID-19 safety precautions like masks and vaccinations. The danger for folks across the board is not just a lack of information but misinformation and disinformation. I am not going to overload you with numbers, but I am going to share a few really important fast facts:
1.) More than 80% of people who have an STD will not have any visible symptoms.
You can not always tell by looking at or smelling someone’s genitals if they have a sexually transmitted infection. More often than not, you will not see evidence of any symptoms. A person is contagious even if they don’t have symptoms like burning, itching, smell, discharge etc. Folks often assume that the person with symptoms is the person “guilty” for infecting others which isn’t the case.
2.) By the age of 25, more than half of all sexually active folks will have had an STD.
People between ages 15-25 make up more than half of all new STD cases, yet are only 20% of the population.
3.) About 80% of the world’s population has some form of the herpes simplex virus (HSV).
Have you or someone you’ve ever kissed, shared a drink with, shared a cigarette with etc. ever had a sore or fever blister on or around your lips? Did you know that those are caused by herpes? For a long time, it was believed that you could only get Oral Herpes (HSV 1) orally, and Genital Herpes (HSV 2) genitally. However, we have learned that it is possible to get HSV 1 on the genitals. HSV 1 is of course happiest in the mouth, but that doesn’t mean it can’t end up on someone’s genitals, especially if folks have unprotected oral sex or go from touching someone elses genitals to touching their own without washing hands. Many folks with HSV 1 get it during childhood from sharing drinks or getting kisses from aunties and uncles. As was stated above under fast fact number one, the majority of folks who have herpes won’t ever have symptoms. And most folks will never be tested for herpes as the tests are expensive, not always accurate, and if someone doesn’t experience outbreaks there is no recommended treatment. If someone does experience symptoms often there are antiviral medications folks can take to prevent outbreaks or when they feel an outbreak coming on.
4.) People with a penis also need the HPV vaccine as it accounts for the majority of throat cancers.
The Human Papilloma Virus is spread by skin to skin contact. Like herpes, wearing a condom does not fully protect a person from being exposed. People with a penis are not screened for HPV like people with a vagina are through routine screening; for years we had been led to believe HPV only impacts people with a vagina, but that’s not true. HPV doesn’t just responsible for cervical cancer but can also cause vulva/vaginal, penile, anal, and oropharangyl (throat) cancers. HPV is the leading cause of throat cancer in people with a penis and there is no routine screening that can be done for other types of cancer caused by HPV. It is also responsible for genital warts. There are hundreds of strains of HPV but the vaccine helps protect folks who are exposed to HPV from the most common carcinogenic (cancer causing) strains and the strains responsible for genital warts.
5.) If you can get an STD on your genitals (Herpes, HPV, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia), you can get it orally and anally as well.
Here’s a chart that shows an “at a glance a breakdown of STD risk by activity. This chart is not exhaustive, nor does it show the nuance of transmission. For example, it’s difficult for charts like this to show that while anal and vaginal sex are both common methods of getting HIV anal sex is the easiest method. And while anal sex is known to be the most common method of ending up with HIV, it doesn’t show that receptive anal sex or bottoming is more risky than insertive anal sex or topping.
6.) HIV is only spread via blood, breast milk, penile excretions, vaginal excretions, and anal excretions.
HIV is not spread by sharing food/drink, kissing, shaking hands, a toilet seat, someone who is HIV negative, someone who is HIV positive who has been taking their medication as directed for at least 6 months and is considered undetectable by their doctor. HIV is most commonly spread through receptive anal sex without a condom as there is always tearing, no matter how careful you are and regardless if you see the blood (though lube and more lube can help reduce how much tearing happens).
7.) There is no such thing as safe sex.
You can make choices to have safer sex, but sex always carries with it some risk. Unless someone wore a latex suit from head to toe, exchanged no bodily fluids (saliva, cum, pre-cum, vaginal fluids, pee, feces, blood, breast milk), and had no skin to skin contact… then maybe we could count that as safe sex. Though that’s not a kink many folks enjoy.
Okay, now take a minute to breathe. If you’re anything like me, you might be having a “Oh shit moment” of dawning horror but these fast facts are not meant to try to scare you out of having sex, I promise. I know I said there is no such thing as safe sex and you might be asking yourself “If she’s not trying to scare me out of having sex why would she list all these facts and stats that do seem scary?”
I share this information because everyday we make decisions based on what risks we are comfortable taking. Again, the pandemic has been a great example of that for us: Do you wear a mask when in public? Who was/is in your COVID-19 bubble or pod? Are there environments where you are more or less likely to wear a mask? We ride in cars, eat fast food, start our mornings with sugary cereals, smoke, and the list goes on. There are decisions we can make to help reduce the risks associated with these items like wearing a seatbelt and buying cars with airbags. We do the same thing with our sexual health. We choose what risks we are comfortable taking and go from there.
Here are some things you can do to help minimize risk:
Abstain from having sex
I know, I know! Not the most fun or realistic choice for most folks. It was an obligatory mention. I am sure we all have heard about abstinence though, so I won’t go on about it.
Limit the number of partners when/if possible.
Having a mutually monogamous relationship may reduce risk for those who practice monogamy. Though I do recommend that folks in monogamous relationships still be tested at the beginning of a new relationship and at least once a year after that. We all want to believe we can trust our partners to be honest with us, but haven’t we all trusted someone we maybe shouldn’t have? Sometimes, trust doesn’t have anything to do with it; sometimes misinformation or incubation periods with some infections can make it difficult to know what or when an exposure actually happened and a person may not realize they had an infection.
Get tested regularly.
Here are my recommendations on when and how often to get tested:At least once a year if you are in a monogamous relationship
Before entering a new sexual relationship (maybe go get tested together as a date)
Every 3-6 months if you have multiple new or frequent partners
Consider using PrEP.
PrEP is a pre-exposure prophylaxis medication that can be taken daily to prevent getting HIV. It is between 92-97% effective. Talk to your doctor to see if this is right for you.
Use barriers.
Use external condoms with having anal, vaginal, or oral sex with a penis. Flavored condoms are a great option to help improve oral sex with a condom.
Use internal condoms when having vaginal or anal sex with a penis.
Use external condoms on a toy to reduce risk and make clean up easier.
Use dental dams when having vaginal or anal oral sex.
Try to avoid having sex while using drugs or alcohol.
We know that drugs and alcohol use can lower inhibitions and lead to folks making riskier decisions. I also want to remind folks to be careful since consent cannot be given under the influence.
If you are a person living with HIV, take your medication as directed by a doctor.
When on successful medication and your viral load has been undetectable for at least 6 months, if you continue to take the medication as directed you cannot pass the infection on to your partner even if you don’t use condoms. You are still susceptible to other sexually transmitted infections.
A few more things I want to add: the first thing is that having a sexually transmitted infection does not make someone dirty, so try to avoid using the phrase “I am clean” when telling someone you don’t have an STD. Having an STD is quite common (see fast fact number 2). Shit happens: get tested, get treated, and talk to your partners.
The second thing is that showing the results of a test is not a guarantee of someone’s STD/HIV status. Testing should be seen as a check-in or point of reference since as soon as you have sex again, the test results are no longer as accurate.
Finally, make sure you know what you are being tested for, when your last exposure was, and what type of test is being completed. Not all tests are as sensitive as others, which means some tests can detect a new infection sooner than others are able. Most sexually transmitted infections have incubation periods where they cannot be detected before ‘X’ number of days. Lets say say you had a condom break or had sex without a barrier yesterday, if you get tested today, tomorrow, or in a week it isn’t going to detect this most recent exposure. Which is why it is important to get tested and retested or to just get tested routinely (every 3 months).
Rapid HIV tests have a 30 day blind spot.
Blood draws for HIV and syphilis can usually be detected as early as 14 days, but sometimes up to a month.
A urine screening detects gonorrhea and chlamydia as early as 14 days after infection, this is also when symptoms tend to show up if they are going to.
The most accurate herpes test is when you have an active outbreak with a sore that can be swabbed for a culture test.
I hope these tools are helpful while you navigate your sexual relationships and the choices you make. It’s all about risk awareness and discovering how much risk you are comfortable taking. When we make assumptions about who we think gets STDs or HIV rather than focusing on which activities and behaviors are linked with the spread of STDs/HIV we are prone to make decisions based on misinformation. In a perfect world everyone would get tested frequently and always wear condoms, but if I can help you or someone else know what risks you are taking so as not to be caught off guard and make informed decisions, then that’s all I can hope for. Don’t hesitate to submit an anonymous question for me to answer in my upcoming features. You can also submit your contact information (email/phone) and we can have a 1:1 chat as well. I never disclose names or personal identifiers of the folks who reach out to me.
Ask BeLinda!
This a reader-submitted section where BeLinda answers your anonymous sex, relationship, & health related questions.
Submit your safe and anonymous questions here!
QUESTION: Calling back to moaning and a trauma response, what are ways a partner can help the other open up to showing more than moaning? In a way to help over right that trauma response.
ANSWER: I have a question I want to ask you first, dear anonymous, is there something more specific that you want them to do? If so, what are those things:
Do you want them to talk dirty to you?
Do you want them to tell you what they want?
Do you want them to initiate and take charge?
Whatever the answer might be, have you asked them explicitly if they would be open to doing those things? I don’t mean asking them to do something new while in the middle of having sex. Sit down with them when there is no pressure or expectation of sex. This would also be the time to ask them about their fantasies, what type of touch do they like, do they touch themselves and if so how do they touch themselves, what type of touch don’t they like, what are their hard limits? What are the accelerators and brakes to their sexual desire? Do they need more emotional intimacy? Do they need more excitement? Do they feel horny? Is their sexual desire something that happens on its own or in response to someone initiating?
The biggest thing you can do when dating someone who has experienced sexual trauma is to listen to the boundaries they set. The boundary might sound passive, but if they aren’t enthusiastic about sex don’t pass go, do not collect $200 dollars. If you realize halfway through they seem to deflate or aren’t into it, stop. Ask them if they are okay, and offer them reassurances that you are not upset, that you’re okay with things stopping, and that things can resume later if they feel better.
Beyond that there isn’t much you can do. If they want to unpack their sexual trauma and their trauma responses I recommend therapy if it’s possible/accessible/affordable. Specifically, trauma focused and informed therapy like EMDR or CBT for your partner. Another suggestion is to read “come as you are” by Emily Nagoski together. It has a lot of really helpful activities that can help both of you discover how you experience sexual desire and initiation.
Until next time, lovelies.
