Overthrow You
Oralee leaned against the door of her boyfriend Benjamin's dirty yellow Corvette and smoked her eighth cigarette of the night. They'd just left a show inside a trashy bar in their southeastern Tennessee town. A man in a fedora played on stage with a walnut-colored acoustic guitar. Pluck-a-pluck-a twaaaang went the guitar as the man belted out lyrics about a girl he used to love.
Benjamin rolled up to Oralee and grabbed her around the waist, grinning from ear to ear. He drunkenly snatched the cigarette from between her fingertips and then crushed it into the pebbles of the gravel driveway. "That's baaaad for you," he said, the stench of bourbon whispered into her ear as he begged to go home. She rolled her eyes and snatched the keys from his front pocket, then revved the old car into submission as he climbed into the passenger's seat. They flew up the windy interstate towards their apartment.
Benjamin tripped up the stairs to their floor, lusting hungrily after Oralee’s walk, the sway of her blonde hair against her shoulders. He fixated on the golden hoop looped through her olive eyebrow as she turned around to guide him up the stairs.
"C'mon," she declared. "You drank a whole lot tonight."
"You were pretty a whole lot tonight," he cooed in response.
She jingled the keys into the keyhole, opening the door to a room of concert posters and comic book figurines. He dove into the leather couch in the middle of the room, closing his eyes immediately as his face fell onto the cold leather.
Oralee knew she had to talk to him sooner rather than later. Time had run out. "Get up, Ben.” She gently shook him awake, "We need to talk. Sit up."
She pushed him into an upright position, silently noting how his hair always looked put together, even when it wasn't. It grew toward the back, full and luminous, a mix between Elvis and Johnny Cash. His jaw was chiseled and his eyes were dark and deep.
"Listen, I need to tell you something." Pausing, she stood up to get him a glass of cool water. She wished he wasn’t drunk, because it was going to be a lot harder to have the conversation this way.
When she returned to the couch, he was already starting to doze off. "Sit up, okay?" She spoke firmly. He did. Then she handed him the glass of water, sat beside him, and asserted in a direct manner as his bleary eyes met her gaze:
“I have to move home to California for a few months and take care of my mom. She—she’s struggling with the chemotherapy. The cancer isn’t reacting so far. She needs me there. I don’t know how long.”
Benjamin didn't respond, instead, he took a large slow gulp from his water, staring straight ahead. Finally, he turned to look at her, cocking an eyebrow upward. Her face was troubled. Ugly splotches of purple were painted across her high cheekbones. She still looked beautiful.
His lips parted like the Red Sea and tears began to well in his drunken eyes. "I mean, I can come with you, you know—", his voice cracked under the intensity of his emotion. He struggled to make sense of what was happening. The room spun around him, as he tried to steady himself.
Oralee touched his cheek, "You have work. I can do my job from anywhere, but yours isn’t remote. We can’t afford for both of us to go. I will come back, you know. I just don’t know when. I’ll send a little money for rent.”
“When do you leave?”, he asked.
“Tomorrow,” she replied flatly, “I booked the flight. I packed. It’s already done. And I’m sorry, I just—I knew I had to commit or it would be harder. I’m sorry that this is so last minute. It was kind of a gut instinct.”
“Whatever,” snapped Benjamin. He was furious. But he knew he wasn’t supposed to be. How could she leave him in one day? How could she have made this decision without him? He felt betrayed, like their relationship meant nothing.
Under the influence of alcohol, however, he couldn’t hold his tongue.
“This is bullshit!”, he continued, “You’re leaving? Tomorrow?! I’m your boyfriend, and you—you didn’t even tell me! Do you understand what a huge deal this is? We LIVE together, Oralee. We’ve been dating for like a year? And you just—fucking leave? Like it’s nothing?”
Oralee’s lower lip trembled a bit. He was right, and she knew it. She had fucked this whole thing up by waiting so long to tell him. They were terrible at talking to each other about important things. They’d almost never discussed her mom’s cancer beyond casual updates, and even then, she was reserved. She was scared to talk about it to him, or anyone else. It made it feel more real, and she didn’t like that.
“I’m sorry, Ben,” she replied, “I shouldn’t have done it like this, I know. It was impulsive. I was afraid to be talked out of it. I just—I’m sorry.”
Benjamin tried to form an argument in his head, something that would change the fact that she was getting on a plane and leaving tomorrow. But his mind was foggy, sluggish, and he was afraid if he said anything else, she wouldn’t come back.
He wanted to say more. He wanted to punch a hole in the wall. Most days, he didn’t even think about her mother with cancer, he’d never even met her. But what could he say? He couldn’t lose her. “Fuck—Let’s go to bed, I guess,” he said, letting his anger go, “We can talk about it tomorrow or something.”
“Alright,” Oralee said. “I’ll be right there.” She needed a moment, and when the bathroom door closed behind her, she sobbed. She knew it was going to be hard, she knew she shouldn’t have put it off so long, but she couldn’t have predicted the sharp sword dropping into her stomach, as memories of him kept flooding her mind.
The first time she saw him, almost a year ago, in a record store in the summertime. She was perusing and scanning the rows and rows of large flat colors that looked like a flower garden. When she held up a copy of Bob Dylan Greatest Hits Volume II, Benjamin came up behind her and said, “That’s a good one," and his smile burned into her.
Immediately, Oralee was fascinated by him, and when he offered to buy the record for her, she let him. Afterward they sat on a bench for almost an hour talking about what kind of music didn't get enough attention and what kind got too much. When she asked for his number so she could call him later, he told her they should just go out to eat right now instead. They did.
In the booth of an over-conceptualized retro disco bar, they navigated talk of work and careers into the more deep things like faith and belief. Afterwards, she let him take her home.
He brought her right here to this very apartment and let him hold her naked body in his arms. That night while they lay in bed and watched the ceiling fan zoom around and around, nothing but happiness filled her heart. The next week, she moved in with him here.
All that pained her now, and part of her wanted to walk back in and tell him she had changed her mind. But she knew she’d regret it for the rest of her life if she didn’t go to California.
Benjamin was miserable. He lay on the couch trying to will himself to stand back up and go to bed and spend one last night with his girlfriend who would be gone for who knows how long. The past year with her had been the happiest of his life, and now that was slipping away. He tried to stand back up, but felt too woozy and fell down onto the cushions. Oralee eventually came out of the bathroom and slept beside him on the couch. In the morning, she left.
#
Vida was meandering on the sidewalk with a heavily worn DSLR camera around her neck and her red curls perpetually tangled into the neck strap. She was taking photos of an old building for a client who wanted to turn it into a bank or something.
Beside the abandoned building there was a large window leading into a busy little coffee shop that she noticed reflected her figure. Curious, Vida peered into the window and saw a familiar looking man staring intensely into the screen of his laptop. His face, bathed in shadows of blue light. She peered in closer, narrowing her eyes as she watched him run a hand up the side of his neck, looking frustrated as he looked away momentarily toward the barista hovering behind the counter.
Vida felt a strange weightlessness as she observed him. Her lips pressed together as she sighed, and a sense of anguish touched her heart though it began beating at a slightly quicker pace. His fingers moved to the keyboard and tapped on the keys like it was a piano and he were performing a poignant concert for everyone in the coffee shop. His deep, dark eyes flickered only momentarily from the screen to his fingers.
In a moment of pause he brought a cup of water to his lips and it splashed up slightly against his cheeks in his rush to gulp it down, cleansing his lips in ice cold liquid. He perceived that he was being watched and his eyes met her at the window and brightened in recognition. Holding up a finger to motion for her to hold on a moment, he stood up immediately, slammed his laptop shut, and walked outside to greet her.
“Vida!”, he exclaimed as he shut the door behind him. “When’s the last time I saw you?” He moved his hands to his pockets nervously and grinned at her freckled, pretty face.
“Hey, Benjamin—sorry, I was just photographing this building next door and thought for a moment that it was you through the window. I wasn’t even sure, but—It’s been years, yes? I’ve been… busy, working as a photographer lately.” she brandished the large black camera and a friendly smile.
“Wow,” said Benjamin, feigning interest. Then he paused, thinking a moment. “You know, actually, I need some new headshots. I’m trying to zhuzh up my portfolio and keep it modern. It’d be great to catch up sometime. I'd be happy to pay you.”
Vida smiled mischievously and for a moment her mouth looked just like Oralee’s. Even though it was summer, a cold sweat was breaking out around his temples.
“Okay,” said Vida. She pulled her phone out from her back pocket, “I couldn't charge you anything. Maybe just a meal or something. It's my pleasure to do something for an old friend. Can you give me your number? I’ll text you about it later.” He recited his number and she tapped it into her phone and then put it back into her pocket.
“Alright, see you later,” she said, leaning in to give him a hug.
He backed away, grinning. “I don’t do hugs,” he said. There was a hint of arrogance in his voice as he spoke, and she felt a bit hurt at being denied the moment of physical affection with him. “Have a good afternoon, Vida.” He went back into the coffee shop. She stood there for a moment, feeling a cold, empty void in front of her where a hug could have been, but her heart was still racing as she finally walked away.
The moment with Benjamin had felt so awkward. The first time she had seen him, he was chubby and short with a baby face. Now he’d grown into a man’s body: square shoulders, sturdy posture, taller stance, and a face of intensity that appeared to be chiseled out of marble. His lips were full, his dark sideburns crawled forth from his perfect hair and accentuated his powerful jaw. But she could not stop thinking about his eyes.
#
A few days later Vida got into her sleek black Lexus and drove toward the restaurant where she was meeting Benjamin. She was dressed in a pair of black skinny jeans and a tightly fitting t-shirt. Her red heels were on and her lips matched, because she wanted to look good and accentuate all her best features before she went out to dinner. Benjamin wanted to eat at the newly open Italian and southern fusion restaurant that people were talking about. She was filled with both dread and excitement.
When she pulled up to the restaurant, he stood outside holding a cigarette, leaning his body against the never-used patio tables. She examined her face in the mirror before she got out of the car, primping her hair and applying a little extra black eyeliner. As she stepped out of the car he flicked his cigarette to the ground, stubbing it with the tip of his Doc Marten. A shot of adrenaline pumped directly to her jugular and her heart began beating rapidly.
"I didn't know you smoked," said Vida.
Benjamin chuckled, and answered first. "Actually, I don’t really smoke. My girlfriend smokes. I light one now every time I miss her. The smell gets to me. Ready to go inside?”
Girlfriend? Vida’s heart sank, but she nodded anyway. “Yeah, sure, let’s go.”
He led her to one of the booths and removed his denim jacket and crumpled it in a pile in the red plastic corner of the seat. She sat across from him.
"Kinda hot for jackets, don't ya think?" she said.
"It looks cool, though." He shifted forward. "I have to look good, you know." He peered directly at her and her eyes made her chest collapse in smoldering ashes.
A server brought them two ice waters and a basket of biscuits without even speaking to them and stepped away as quickly as she had appeared.
"You do look good now,” she responded sheepishly, poking the lid of a clear plastic straw through its paper barrier and spearing it into her water. “So uh, how’s life? You said you miss your girlfriend? Is she on vacation?”
Ben sighed and began to ramble. “Well, no, actually. About a month ago, she—her name is Oralee—moved to California to help take care of her mom, who has cancer. I’m actually trying to find a new job out there myself. That’s what the headshots are for, in fact. I want my resume to look good so I can get out there with her. It’s sort of a bummer situation. I didn’t even know she was going to leave until the day before. She’s always impulsive like that.” He chuckled darkly, then added: “But I mean, it was still the right decision for her.”
Vida nodded slowly, her mouth struggling to find the straw as she leaned over to drink the water, keeping her eyes on Benjamin. She felt disappointed, but undeterred as she watched him scratch the side of his face while speaking. “That sounds like a rough time,” she responded. “I guess you’re not working at the country club anymore at least,” she said, grinning.
At this, he laughed with his entire body. “No, only the summers during high school and those days are long gone,” he said. Vida’s well-off family had been members at the country club, and that’s where she had met him. “Remember we used to get drunk on your parents’ fancy wine and watch all those Coen Brothers movies with your brother? I don’t think I’ve watched Barton Fink in years now.”
Vida looked upward, remembering the awkward summers. She had gone to boarding school a few hours away, so they never had a chance to be friends during the school year. Then after high school—
Benjamin interrupted her thoughts as he continued speaking, “So uh, how have you been? I—I heard some things, you know, that sounded kind of rough. But, I don’t know—you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
Vida’s pale face flushed again. It was her turn to ramble. “No, it’s okay. Yeah. I mean—you know how I was. I loved to party. I was supposed to go to Columbia. But when I got pregnant, I withdrew my application,” she lowered her gaze to the table, staring at the basket of buttery, untouched biscuits in front of her. “The guy who I thought was the dad was kind of a jerk and I just wasn’t sure who the dad was anyway.” Her face reddened further. “When my daughter was born, the doctors told me there was a heart condition, but that she had a good chance of making it. Then a week later…she was gone.”
He nodded, not knowing how to process all that she was unloading, and took a biscuit as she kept continued.
“Then, after that, I just sort of did nothing for three years. I lived in a small house my parents bought for me. I think out of pity—or spite. I didn’t talk to anyone, and I didn’t go anywhere. I lived off my trust fund. I scrolled through social media and pictures all day and that was it. Until, I bought myself a camera and started taking photography more seriously. I really thought I was going to be screwed up for the rest of my life. But, you know, that was years ago. I’m doing a lot better now.”
The server came back and took their orders in the midst of the emotional conversation which had just approached an awkward moment of silence. A chicken-fried steak stromboli for Benjamin, and a plate of pimiento fettuccine for Vida, along with some Jack-and-Cokes.
Benjamin threw back two more whiskey drinks over the course of the meal, and seemed ready to order another one when Vida piqued her eyebrow upward and said "You sure you'll be okay for pictures after all that alcohol?" She nursed her single drink.
Benjamin shrugged and muttered under his breath. "I just really like whiskey," he said. "I drink a lot. I've built up a tolerance to it, I guess."
Vida shrugged and said, "Let's get out of here then," she said. She pulled a large purple wallet out of her oversized purse and got out a little black card. Signaling for the waitress, she paid for the full bill before Benjamin could even protest.
"Sheesh," said Benjamin as they walked toward her car outside. "It was supposed to be my treat."
They got into her car, and drove away. Vida started blasting Creedence Clearwater Revival, just like The Dude from The Big Lebowski, and Benjamin began laughing as she sang along. The sun burned a bright, dark yellow toward the edge of the western sky and Vida raced toward it, looking for a spot in the countryside before it dissipated behind the Tennessee mountains.
She drove to a field near her house full of wild wheat grass, purple clovers, and right in front of a dark brown pond that hosted loud waterfowl. Vida had a few engagement sessions here.
Benjamin stood helplessly in the center of the field, unsure of where to go and what to do, while Vida pulled out her camera and strapped it around her neck. She took a few practice shots, focusing in on little grasshoppers and katydids on the uncultivated ground.
"Okay," she said finally. "Get your denim jacket. Let's take some pictures."
If Benjamin was uncomfortable while waiting for the photo shoot to begin, he was charismatic and extroverted once she actually began taking pictures. His confidence seeped right through the lens as she took different angles in the sharp, shining light of the falling sun. She could hardly take the photos as her fingers trembled. He flung his denim jacket over his shoulder and cocked a dark, thick eyebrow straight up toward the sky. Vida felt a warmth flush from her lips to her knees.
Benjamin pulled a cigarette out from his pocket and perched it precariously between his lips without lighting it. “Do this shot,” he commanded through the unoccupied half of his mouth. “It’s gonna look awesome.” She zoomed in and pressed the button a few times, checking to make sure the angle was perfect against the reflection of the pond in the background. It was. The messy disorganization of the wild meadow came up to meet him. The sky was flirting with them, and the sinking sun was daring the night to come faster.
Vida parted her lips as she watched him through the viewfinder, then lowering the camera in her hands to watch him in real time. She burned inside, and she couldn’t be an observer any more. She wanted him. She wanted more.
“I need—I need a few minutes”, she walked over to the car parked in the middle of the field, removed the camera from around her neck, and set it down in the driver’s seat. Leaning against the closed door, she brought the edge of her thumb to her teeth and began to nibble to try to stop her teeth from chattering.
Benjamin walked up beside her and rested a hand on her shoulder. It was the first time he’d touched her directly, and even this simple action made her feel ravenous.
“Hey,” he said. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
Vida gazed longingly at him. Boldly she brought her red-painted fingernails to run through his crooner hair, and unable to control herself as this first basic gesture of physical affection, brought her red lips to kiss him. She felt like she was in another dimension.
Benjamin pursed his lips as tight as he could to stop her from kissing him. This is something he had wanted from her in high school, but now? He jerked his head backward like an animal defending itself against a predator. “Uh, what the fuck, Vida? I have a girlfriend! What are you doing?”
Big fat teardrops formed inside of Vida’s icy-blue eyes and took streaks of black eyeliner down the path of her cheeks as they fell to her chin. She was pouting as she began to speak.
“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. You’re captivating. Every time I look at you I want to…” her voice trailed off. “You’re just so captivating.” The sky was a dull grey now as the sun gave way to a rising white moon. Fireflies lit their torches and crickets tuned their instruments.
It was this part that Benjamin found irresistible. He was under the influence of liquor, sure, but more importantly, he was under the influence of extraordinary loneliness. He was missing the joy he’d felt with nobody but Oralee, who was gone. The flattery weakened his resolve with desire. He brought his fingers to her wet cheeks and wiped away the smudges of makeup.
“I love my girlfriend,” he said, softly, letting his hands explore the freckles on her face. “We can’t do this.”
Vida wiggled her arm out toward his hands like worms crawling out of the earth and moved his hands from her face to her waist. She was drawing him in, tempting him to do more, beckoning him to let his fingers linger on her waist, which he did.
“I know, I know,” she said. “ I shouldn’t do this. You just awaken this part of me that I thought was dead. Being around you makes me powerless. I want to get lost in you.”
Benjamin cringed and tightened his grasp on her waist. “You don’t even know me anymore,” he said. His words were saying one thing, but his body was reacting to her.
Vida’s chest rose and fell and his eyes were upon it. “Can you just kiss me? Just once? I won’t tell anybody.”
For a moment Benjamin dropped his hands to his side, ready to refuse her. But then Vida looked up at him and she was wearing Oralee’s crooked smile on her pale lips, the red lipstick having feathered away. Benjamin was helpless against it. He pushed her against the side of the car and swallowed her whole. Vida was desperate for more, and she got it.
#
Four weeks passed. Vida didn’t get out of bed. She contacted Benjamin several times with desperate messages begging to see him again, but he hadn’t responded, even when she emailed him headshots from their photoshoot. She felt nauseated with guilt.
She fell into a pattern of obsessively scrolling, first checking Benjamin’s profile on Instagram, then going to check Oralee’s for the thousandth time this week. This time, Oralee had a new post, in which she had tagged Benjamin: a seemingly old photo of the two of them together. “Guess who surprised me by getting a job in California to be with me? He gets here in two weeks. Long distance no more. Can’t wait!” Vida felt her body lurch and she vomited into a small trash can by her bed. Seething, she felt possessed as she tapped quickly and angrily on her phone, messaging Oralee:
I want you to know before he moves out there that I had sex with Benjamin a month ago. He didn’t tell me he had a girlfriend.
A few moments later, the message was read. And quickly after that, Vida no longer had access to any of Oralee’s profile -- she’d been blocked. She felt sick again, and took a long, hot shower to wash away her sins, feeling guilt rise up in her throat. But she knew she’d just get dirty again.
When she was out of the shower, she had three missed calls from Benjamin, so she called him back. He answered on the first ring.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he screamed through the phone. “She left me! She was the love of my goddamn life! I can’t go to California now! I told you her mom has cancer, right? How could you do this to her?”
Vida responded, cooly, “I didn’t make you have sex with me. You chose to. You didn’t even TALK to me after. You treated me like I was nothing. And then you decide to move to California without even talking to me?”
Benjamin was beside himself. “You WERE nothing! I was just horny and lonely. You had NO RIGHT to destroy my life like this! Do you know how much I loved Oralee? How badly I wanted to go be with her?”
Vida felt sick with regret, hot shame causing tightness in her chest; in fact, her entire body felt sore. The vomiting earlier hadn’t relieved her nausea at all. She hadn’t felt this sick since—She grew quiet on the phone.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I—can I meet you somewhere in an hour? I need to talk to you. It’s important.”
Benjamin sighed, surrendering all too easily once again. “Fine. I just. I can’t do this. I have to get her back. I have to. So say whatever it is you think you need to say. I’m not going to change my mind.”
“Meet me at the coffee shop, the one you were at that day. At lunchtime.” She hung up.
On the way there, she stopped at a pharmacy, bought a pregnancy test, and peed on the plastic-and-cotton stick while watching it almost immediately turn two lines pink. Pregnancy confirmed.
When she arrived at the coffee shop, Benjamin was already sitting there. His handsome, chiseled features were swollen, and his eyes were bright red. When Vida sat down in front of him, he pulled out a metal flask from the inside of his denim jacket and poured the light brown contents into the latte sitting in front of him.
He made no movement to express friendliness toward her this time. “Now,” he said. “Tell me why we are here.”
Even though he was mad, Vida was still unexpectedly struck by the terseness with which he spoke. So she decided to be just as direct.
“I’m sorry,” said Vida. “But I have to tell you that I’m pregnant.”
He sat in front of her, stunned. “Did you know about this when you messaged Oralee? Did you tell her this?”
Vida bit her lip. Her instinct was to lie, but she’d already wreaked enough havoc. “No,” she spoke quietly. “I just found out on the way here. I suspected it when I threw up this morning.”
Silence.
“I’m going to keep it,” continued Vida. “I don’t want to lose another baby.” Her voice cracked. “Please—please help me. I’m sorry about Oralee. I’m so sorry.”
More silence.
“Benjamin, I am not asking you to stay with me. I know you have a job. We can try to—we don’t have to date again or anything if you don’t want to. But I want this. I want you to be there, unlike the last guy. I want to…Try something.”
“I don’t even know you,” said Benjamin. “And you certainly don’t know me. You ruined my life. You don’t need my financial support. Your parents will always bail you out. I don’t want this, and I don’t want you.”
She began to cry. Other customers in the cafe began to stare. When Vida was sad, her countenance reminded him of Oralee. What was Oralee doing right now? What would Oralee think? I guess it didn’t matter any more. She was never going to come back now.
Benjamin’s puffy face softened at her tears again. His weak spot was his pity for her. “Look, I’m sorry. Whatever you decide to do, I’ll support you. I’ll be there. It’s not like I have anywhere else to go now.” She reached for his hands. He let her place her pale freckled hands on his rough, tanned ones, but he did not clasp her hands in return. “But you have to know I never wanted a baby. I never wanted you. I wanted her. I wanted Oralee.”
Vida didn’t care.
#
As the months passed, Benjamin and Vida acted like distant lovers who had never been; as if they had been married for years and started to resent each other. They hardly spoke, even as they developed routines together.
He gave up the apartment and the memories he’d shared with Oralee and moved in with Vida. When she seemed sad he would kiss her and comfort her—sometimes more. And of course, he went to all the doctor’s appointments, and slowly shifted his perspective into a new expectation of what his life was going to be. Oralee blocked him on every network. He thought about trying to reach her, but to him, it felt like she was dead. Maybe that was easier.
He walked outside and lit a cigarette.
Eat with the author:
Pimiento fettuccine
(makes 4-6 servings)
1 lb. fettuccine noodles
1 tbs. butter
2 tbs. all-purpose flour
1 cup whole milk
8 oz. pimiento cheese, homemade or store bought
Salt and pepper to taste
3 slices bacon, crumbled, for topping
Extra pimiento peppers, for topping
1-2 green onions, sliced thinly, for topping
Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Add fettuccine and cook until al dente. Drain and set aside.
In a large saucepan, melt butter over medium heat. Add flour, and stir until combined. Let cook for two minutes. Add whole milk, and stir continuously until mixture thickens. Add in pimiento cheese and let cook, stirring occasionally, until cheese is melted and the sauce is silky smooth. Add salt and pepper to taste.
Mix noodles in with sauce, toss to combine, and serve each plate topped with crumbled bacon, sliced green onions, and extra pimiento peppers.
