We were all of those cliché early 2000’s emo songs
You know, the ones about hating your best friend so much that it looked like love. Like everyone assumed we were gay, but we hadn’t gotten the memo yet.
Like no one could make me as angry as you could. And no one could have me sneaking out of my house at three in the morning the way you could. There was no one else I could have skipped school with on the day The Black Parade came out, driving around aimlessly and trying our best to learn all the words in just a few short hours.
Remember the day we said fuck it to class yet again, and drove your car to the beach in February? Remember how we ran into the freezing water with all of our clothes on? The Gulf of Mexico never felt warmer. You forgot to take your keys out of your pocket and we ended up stranded on the seawall, burning in the sun and waiting for your mom to come pick us up.
I remember the first time you hurt me like a dog remembers the first time it’s kicked. I still can’t stop jumping at the sound of thunder. I still have a hard time discerning real love from possession. Every time I hear “Seventy Times 7” by that band we all hate now, I think of you.
When you told me you were in love with me the first time, it was said as an apology for causing me so much pain. Is it any wonder I couldn’t conceive of a woman ever loving me in a way that was good and honest?
How sad for us both. How sad that something that could have been beautiful, all those coming out and coming of age stories they make movies out of, how sad that it had to be this instead. I said I never wanted to see you again and I almost never did. You show up on my Instagram feed like a splinter underneath a fingernail. It takes a little time but the pain does stop.
When I drive around now and scream along to MCR, I conjure your ghost in the passenger seat. We are not hurting each other anymore. We are running into the water on a winter’s day. We can’t tell if we’re warm from how much we love each other, or if hypothermia is finally setting in.
Cover photo by Bernadetta Watts
