The Time I Married Jesus
*If you would like to skip to the AskBelinda! reader-submitted question—scroll to the bottom of the page!
In my last feature I talked about the importance of consent and boundaries. I could write 50 pieces on consent and boundaries and only hit the tip of the iceberg and yet one thing that kept rolling around my noggin after writing it was the quote “it is not uncommon for folks who were raised as girls and femmes to not be given the language or tools to say yes, know what they like, or feel empowered when it comes to sex/pleasure.”
There are many things that impact how women and femmes view and pursue sex. Some of the major influences I have seen come into play both personally and professionally include how girls and femmes are made to feel responsible for their sexualization; the pressure for girls/femmes to not “tempt” or distract boys; being socialized to avoid making waves, that their discomfort is more acceptable than the discomfort of others, and so many others.
Purity culture upholds and perpetuates a lot of this. That the value of girls/femmes depends on how many sexual partners they have had. Even if someone were to wait until marriage, how are they supposed to know how to verbalize their wants and needs if all they have heard is about how bad it is? For many folks, sex continues to be ladened with guilt, shame, and fear throughout their lives. The focus on purity ignores the fact that many people’s first sexual experiences are not consensual. It perpetuates guilt, shame, fear, and abuse. I have a few stories I think are important to share that paint a picture of what purity culture looks like and its long term consequences.
I did not come from a religious home. As it goes with many households in the United States, it wasn’t not religious, but it wasn’t religious either, just a default and passive christianity. My mom was supportive of whatever it is I wanted to do, so when I said I wanted to go to church, she dropped me off. I split my time between two churches: a Nazarene church a town over on Sundays and then a non-denominational church down the street from me on Wednesdays for the youth group.
I will say that Wednesdays down the street felt super cool, they had an entire schtick. The youth pastor was an amazing bassist, his son and daughter were also musical, and there were always good skits, movies, and trips. It helped that the youth pastor's son was my boyfriend and his daughter was my best friend. Despite being the type of kid who rarely got into trouble, I had once again ended up labeled as the bad kid. I often joke it was the red hair that made parents assume I was always up to no good. Now, I know you are likely wondering what this has to do with the fact that I married Jesus, but I promise these details are important.
One day the youth pastor’s wife invited all the girls to an unnamed event. We were told to show up in a formal dress and to bring our moms. So, I did. I thought it was maybe going to be some sort of cute dance thing for the other girls since many of them were homeschooled… however, it became quickly apparent that a dance was not what was happening.
They led us away from our moms and put us in a room where they shut the lights off, made us watch a movie about purity, and then told us that we needed to make a commitment of purity with Jesus. I was still a virgin at this time and had done no more than kissed a boy, but my mom had already had the sex talk with me (really they were many talks that happened over the years).
If you read my first feature you know that once upon a time I couldn’t say sex words even though I was informed. I knew the basics, was on birth control for my bad periods, and the only advice my mom gave me that could even sound remotely abstinence based was “Do you want to be a guinea pig for those boys as they are clumsy and trying to figure out what to do, especially during your first time? Wait until they have a bit more experience under their belt.” I can’t say she was wrong because I know the older I get, the better sex gets. Okay, so now, back to my marriage…
As we walked out of the room after being given bouquets and veils, my mom and I made eye contact as we were both absolutely horrified, in shock, and unsure how to proceed. She already knew I was viewed as a bad influence by the woman who was hosting the marriages along with her husband who would be the person who would perform the ceremony. If we were to leave I would have likely lost my bestfriend and boyfriend which, to a 14 year old, would feel like the end of the world. So, after a moment of this silent horrified communication, my mom walked me down the aisle. I said vows, was given a purity ring, and when that was all said and done I was loaded into a van that had been written on with white shoe polish that said “JUST MARRIED!” along with my fellow brides of Jesus to a hotel room. We were given purity sponsors and an attempted brain washing.
I will never forget being 14 years old and having several grown women yelling at me that being gay was a sin when I said I did not think it was. No wonder I was a closeted queer until my mid twenties, but that’s a story for another time. At this same church they had once preached that if we received sexual attention we needed to reflect on what we had done to bring that on ourselves. My first experiences with sexual touch were not consensual and I left feeling blamed for my own abuse. Victims of sexual abuse often continue to be victimized, blamed, and shamed. For some, this can almost be worse than the actual abuse itself. That type of shame is insidious.
The church I attended on Sundays, well, let's just say I had equally problematic experiences, but they were more subtle and pervasive. At a weekend retreat the boys and girls were separated, and again, we heard about the importance of purity. I will always remember how I felt as an awkward teen whose ginger hair was in the wonky growing out phase sitting on the floor while the young, cute, and polished blonde talked about purity. She had plate with a cookie on her lap that she slowly broke off pieces of as she talked about what happens when you have sex with people who are not your husband; when the cookie was gone she looked at us and said “If you give your cookie away to someone before you get married, what will you have to give your husband?” My mom gave me medically accurate information, who once said waiting until marriage to have sex is risky because what happens if you are not compatible, and who always talked with me about sex, sexual health, and relationships but that message still sunk in.
I never intended to wait until marriage to have sex, and I did not. I was in college and just a few weeks shy of my 21st birthday. My first years of sex were filled with physical pain, my gyno told me to just calm down. I remember scoffing at her, and in my head still insisting something was physically wrong with me. But you know, she was right. The first few sexual relationships I had were spent in pain and also filled with shame. I let sex happen, passively, because if I did that, I didn’t have to think about my own accountability since I just got caught up in the moment. Yet, each of those relationships continued much longer than they should have because in my head, since we had sex that means we needed to stay together.
One of those partners would tickle, grope, and pinch me even when I said I didn’t like those things. If I was changing clothes and was even remotely naked he tried to innitiate sex, or a partner years later would press his genitals against me constantly in hopes of initiating sex. Experiences like this only reinforced even when I vocalized my wants; they didn’t matter. This combination of early childhood sexual trauma and the further reinforcement of my ignored boundaries only just led me into physically and emotionally dangerous situations.
When I had begun to shed that weird internalized false sense of purity and entered my sexploration phase in grad school I still couldn’t vocalize my wants or needs. I would go along with sex sometimes because it just seemed easier to go along with it than say no and have my needs ignored -- or worse. I would end up sexually repulsed with partners thinking I was broken. It took me years to realize that the issue came down to the constant sexualization and pressure to have sex despite my attempts to set boundaries. People saw me as a vocal, stubborn, and assertive person and yet I couldn’t assert myself here.
The conditioning of purity culture runs deep and leads to disempowerment of girls/femmes. I will always remember what my mom would say to me after I ended up in a harmful, toxic, or abusive scenario and would cry “How could I let this happen? Why didn’t I say something?” and she would tell me “It happens to smart girls too.”
We need to arm our smart girls and femmes with the necessary tools to make their own sexual choices that are based on facts (and pleasure) not fear, shame, stigma, or blame. Without these tools we leave folks vulnerable.
Ask Belinda!
This a reader-submitted section where BeLinda answers your anonymous sex, relationship, & health related questions.
Submit your safe and anonymous questions here!
Question:
What are dating guidelines and recommendations for people with HIV? When and how should a partner be told?
Answer:
So, to be perfectly frank this is an incredibly complicated question to answer, but I think it is a very important topic to address. As my last two features have touched on issues with consent, I think my answer may surprise some. I hope you enter with an open mind.
Some states have started to eliminate laws that criminalize folks who “expose” someone or transmit HIV. However, many states still have laws that criminalize not disclosing HIV to sexual partners. This is unfortunate, and these laws are based in fear not fact. These laws only lead to further stigmatization of folks with HIV, and actually discourages HIV testing and exacerbates disparities.
As I said, these laws are not based in science. Some of them go as far as to include spitting or biting, which is absurd. Some important things I want to note, fellow readers, are the five ways HIV is transmitted: blood, semen, vaginal secretions, anal secretions, and breast milk. You cannot get HIV from shaking hands, toilet seats, kissing, sharing food or drinks even if prepared by someone who is HIV positive, massage, oral sex, airplanes, hugs, etc.
These laws also ignore the fact that we have made huge strides in the treatment and prevention of HIV. One major discovery is what is often called U=U which stands for Undetectable equals Untransmittable. This means that if a person who has HIV takes their medication as directed for 6 months and is told by a doctor their viral load (The HIV viral load measures the amount of HIV RNA in the blood) then they cannot transmit the virus even if they were to have unprotected sex. It also doesn’t consider the use of PrEP which is a pre-exposure prophylaxis medication that can be taken daily to prevent someone from getting HIV.
I have gone over the problems with the laws and am now going to try to answer this question the best I can, but here is the disclaimer that this is not legal advice.
If someone is HIV positive, taking their medication, and is undetectable the science doesn’t support the requirement to disclose their positive status to partners. In a perfect world disclosing HIV status would not be an issue, but we live in a world that is far from perfect. I would recommend disclosing to anyone you plan to have a long term relationship with as that’s a big secret to carry, but if you are on dating apps or having more casual connections use your own discretion, know the laws in your area, and protect yourself. I understand informed consent is important, however, the science says there is no risk of transmitting the virus and is different from needing to disclose a current STD like gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, or trich that are transmittable until cured with treatment. So, practice safer sex, know the laws, follow your gut about disclosing, and take care of yourself. Check out the map below and links to additional resources.
Until next time, lovelies.
