Did You Know About This Place?
Hey there, and welcome to our new house! Make yourself at home. I was just about to start working on my new project: changing all of the exterior address number font to Century-Gothic, across our horizontal fence and calling in a noise ordinance violation. There was a wake or something for that mailman who was tragically shot by the racist cop, who confused the refrigerator he was delivering with a handgun, but rules are rules. See, we just moved to this “underserved” neighborhood and we are go-getters. We are going to make a difference in this neighborhood, but not by being totally oblivious to suffering and racist practices. What are we, Nazis? Of course not. We promise!
Anyway, come on in, get comfortable! This house is a beaut, huh? It’s a 5 bedroom, 4 bathroom colonial that was built in the 1800s and, oddly enough, was this state’s first minority owned bank until a completely random fire broke out and burned the place down. It was right around the time the local township wanted to put in that highway interchange through this block and the residents were petitioning state congress.
It’s ok though, it was rebuilt a few years later….but then another random fire burned it down again around the time some developers wanted to put in that strip mall. That they ended up moving down the road. We looked up the police reports out of curiosity and they said it was because of a “faulty gas system”, which is odd because the house was one of the first to run fully on electricity. Anywho, it was built again but out of brick this time, just in case of another crazy gas leak. I know, weird right?
We are so happy that we bought it for the price we did, too. Any longer and some other lady would have bought it without contingencies and turned it into an art gallery featuring portraits of famous Americans, except the faces are all old cats. Glad that was not us. We respect the community and only trouble our neighbors about the height of their lawn every other week. We heard about this small enclave on a local podcast that covered food deserts, and we felt compelled to take a look.
So, my wife and I did the usual: we drank a bunch of Barefoot Wine and scrolled through Redfin one night, after working on our dog’s personal TikTok page (We didn’t really have a cohesive brand strategy for it but it’s a work in progress). We are very lucky to have found the place because the market has been insane in this city. We were looking at neighborhoods on the north side of town, but near identical houses were going for triple the price and the money I received from the sale of my grandfather’s second house would only go so far.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the neighborhood. Our friends told us about this area, but it’s nowhere near-as “sketch” as they described. We would say it’s “colorful”, but not to any of our neighbor’s faces. There’s nothing really that wrong here except the chicken joint/gas station to axe-throwing bar ratio is just a bit off. This place is so nice, it just needs a little “TLC”. By that I mean, a dog park and a Barre studio. They need to put them right in that abandoned lot that the neighborhood kids fixed up and used to play basketball in.
We really feel this place is really “up-and-coming” (ooo, I like that. Much better word) and it’s really just a few touches away from being great, just like those vessel sinks we put in every bathroom in this house. Once those improvements happen, this place is really going to take off! There is no way Trader Joes is going to refuse to build in this neighborhood after that.
The schools? Yes, they do underperform, but I am sure that they will come up with the neighborhood, as well. I heard they were underperforming due to lack of resources and funding, and it’s clear how this discrmination can be present, even in times like these. No money for books or to fix structural issues at the school, all because the local government has routed all of their additional funding to pay the civil court fees for those police officers that drove into the old lady’s house, after a drag race to see who could go fastest without a seatbelt on.
It’s so sad, you wish you could do more, you know? ...My kids? Oh no, they can’t go to the neighborhood schools. They have particular special needs. Kevin has a peanut allergy and undiagnosed anxiety from not knowing all of the dances on FortNite. If he doesn’t do “the floss” correctly then he has a nervous breakdown. They would struggle mightily in a class structure that doesn’t fully prioritize them and specifically cater to them in every way imaginable, and I want to do the very best for my kids. Who doesn't, right?
Oh darn, sorry to cut this short, but I do need to get back to my other weekend project. You know how on Instagram, how everyone has been spending their quarantine time learning to make bread? Well, we converted our entire basement into an artisanal bakery. We’ll be selling free trade coffee and unironic compilation CDs, of the very same music we will be playing in our basement, in no time. Bye now!
Photo by: Tony Bellatto
