mama, mama

I still say mama, mama 

but I don’t tilt my head anymore or hold my ear to her chest

I don’t knock on her sternum now (no one was ever home)

she’s always looking in the mirror or out the window I am a speed bump for which she has no time to slow

I say mama, mama look I’ve a dance for you I can tap dance in my church shoes

she says go out and play with that pack of dogs I say mama those are wolves

she says become a wolf

mama, I don’t like these teeth they make others bleed and I cannot bite my tongue mama how I wish you were soft

go outside there’s nothing here for you girl

mama do you hear how the falsetto of my childhood has been frictioned deep with resilience? and do you see how resentment has carved my face sharp like the head of an ax mama how I wish I was soft

her mama did her best and she did her best and I did my best and we add it up to the sum of not near enough and she forgave not and she forgave not and I do not know how to forgive

but mama, mama

my cries echo through the decades but they no longer hope for a landing 

I have her lips and so I answer myself

I sweep the hair from my forehead and I say unconditional, unconditional my love for you is unconditional

I bring myself blankets and I keep my own secrets and I see my potential and how my faults pepper it spicy and worth tasting I put myself upon my own shoulders and say, look, darling, see all that there is to see

one more time, I say mama, mama and I let the balloon go