Let’s talk about sex, Baby, Let’s Talk About you & Me, Let’s talk about: CONSENT!
CW: Consent, mentions of sex, sexual assault, rape, and abuse.
*If you would like to skip to the AskBelinda! reader-submitted question—scroll to the bottom of the page!
Salt-N-Pepa were ahead of the curve when it came to talking about sex and consent (and honestly still are based on well... most movies, TV shows, books, media, and the stories I have been told). I don't know about you, but I grew up being told consent was only "No means No" and that was it. It was this purely one dimensional definition that left no room for nuance or grey. And contrary to popular opinion there is more grey when it comes to consent than people are comfortable admitting.
It is not uncommon for folks to think that sexual assault, rape, abuse, consent violations, etc. must involve a stranger and the victim saying “no” and fighting back. And yes, those surely do happen, but in all honesty they are not the most common way folks experience sexual assault (it is more likely a person will be raped by someone they already know). It can also happen when a person simply reacts with silence or stillness. But before we dive down this rabbit hole, with consent of course, let's define what consent is and what it isn’t by discussing FRIES.
Consent IS:
Freely given. Consenting is a choice you make without pressure, manipulation, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
Reversible. Anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing, anytime. Even if you’ve done it before, and even if you’re both naked in bed.
Informed. You can only consent to something if you have the full story. For example, if someone says they’ll use a condom and then they don’t, there isn’t full consent.
Enthusiastic. When it comes to sex, you should only do stuff you WANT to do, not things that you feel you’re expected to do.
Specific. Saying yes to one thing (like going to the bedroom to make out) doesn’t mean you’ve said yes to others (like having sex).
Consent is NOT:
Coercion (guilt, fear/threats, shame etc.)
Silence
Set in cement (It can be changed)
Given when under the influence
Given when someone is underage
Given when there is an unequal power dynamic (age, boss/employee, teacher/student etc)
It is way more than the oversimplified “No means no” I was taught and while “no” does in fact still mean no, consent is also “YES! means yes.” The lack of a no does not mean yes; only an enthusiastic yes can mean yes. An enthusiastic yes is literally the word “yes”, but it can also be body language and enthusiastic participation. However, it is a good practice to check-in with sexual partners not just at the beginning, but throughout the romping.
It can sound like:
“Are you a hugger?”
“Is it okay if I kiss you?”
“How do you feel about PDA like hand holding or kissing?”
“I would like to touch you here, would you like that?”
“How do you like to be touched?”
Consent is necessary, but is also sexy! It doesn’t have to be awkward. It might feel awkward at first, but think of it like a muscle: the more you use it, the easier and stronger that muscle becomes until you get to a point where not checking in and asking consent will feel awkward. If the answer to any of the examples given above is anything except the enthusiastic “yes” we just talked about, then it is time put on the brakes. Check in to see if they are okay, and if they don’t seem to want to talk about it that’s okay too. Don’t pass go, don’t collect $200. If it’s not a “hell yes!” it should be a “hell no!”
I know I said body language and enthusiastic participation are other ways to give or receive a yes—it is not foolproof. It is easy for us to see what we want to see. A story I love to tell is about a human sexuality course I took in college and an experience with an Oreo.
If you’ve read my first feature you will know there was a time where I couldn’t even say sex words, well this class happened during that phase of my life. So, in a class where I knew no one and hadn’t yet connected with anyone from the course, I was paired with an attractive young man and we were given an Oreo. The activity? Well, he had the Oreo and I had to MOAN at him to tell him how I thought he should eat the Oreo. I must have been the same color as my hair because I know my skin felt like it was on fire.
So, how do you eat your Oreo?
Do you just chow down and bite into the Oreo? Do you twist the cookies apart and eat the side of the cookie that has the cream? Or do you save that for last and eat the cookie only side first? Or, after twisting the Oreo apart, do you lick the cream off the cookie? Can you only eat an Oreo dunked in milk so it's properly lubricated?
Who knew there were so many sensual ways to eat an Oreo, and, also—how absolutely difficult it would be to get him to eat the cookie how I wanted him to. Needless to say, he did not in fact, eat my cookie how I wanted him to. This is a great metaphor for trying to use moaning as the only way to indicate both consent and pleasure.
Moaning is not necessarily a sign someone is into what you’re doing. Sometimes moaning is used as a way to speed things up. I know of so many stories from folks that thought saying no was harder than just going along with things. Many of them moaned. None of them said yes; they weren’t asked. Why would someone just go along things and not just speak up?
This can and does happen to anyone, but it is not uncommon for folks who were raised as girls and femmes to not be given the language or tools to say yes, know what they like, or feel empowered when it comes to sex/pleasure. Saying “no” might not feel like an option because it might not feel safe, they might feel obligated since the other person bought dinner or they’re dating or married and have had sex before.
Maybe they’ve been sexting for a couple of weeks and they feel like they have to now that they are together, or they are naked in bed and have been having oral sex and feel like if they say “no” now, they led the other person on. This is a very common trauma response and it actually has a name: fawning.
This is a reaction you can add to the other more well known responses of: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and, now, fawn. The fawn response is what I like to call “people pleasing mode”. Fawning is common among folks who experience(d) abuse. This response doesn’t just happen with a person’s abuser, it is a trained trauma response that folks learn as a way to cope and can be innate or something that is triggered by, well, anything as it relates to the person and the abuse they experienced.
This is why asking for consent is so important: there are tons of reasons why someone might feel unable to say “no”, but if an enthusiastic “yes” is needed to continue, and the absence of it means things come to a halt, many painful and traumatic experiences can be avoided.
So back to the grey-area, since you may be wondering what I meant earlier when I said there is more grey to sexual assault than folks are comfortable recognizing or admitting. I have a few examples I like to give.
The first is sex while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. We already discussed how consent cannot be given while someone is under the influence, however, that is not to say that every instance of drunken intercourse means that either party involved was assaulted or did the assaulting. The big ol’ BUT here is that if someone felt like they were assaulted since they were drunk and thus, unable to give consent, then that’s what it would be. That is the grey. That is the risk of having sex while under the influence of a substance.
The second and third examples can actually be discussed through the Monica Lewinksy and Bill Clinton story from the 90s. I want to start by saying that this scenario absolutely was an abuse of power. Not only was she 22 years old while he was 49 but he was also her boss (and the President of the United States to boot). I use this example since it highlights how power dynamics may impact the ability to consent when there is an age gap and/or an employee/employer relationship.
Technically, 18 is the legal age of consent and while this is legally true, a gap in age can be unethical or problematic, especially if folks do not acknowledge the power dynamics at play. Not only does the brain continue to develop until the age of 25, a large age gap can create a divide in knowledge, experience, beliefs, money, and access to resources. A relationship between a boss and their employee is also problematic even if it is not illegal. The ability to negotiate, set boundaries, advocate, or say no is greatly hampered by the fact that the employer controls their ability to keep and maintain a job.
We’ve talked about consent—the good, the bad, and the things that we all may need to work on. There is more to consent than what can be covered in one post, but this feels like it was a good place to start and to end for now. I will share a few resources at the bottom of the page that might be helpful as well. Talking about this stuff can be hard; it can bring old wounds to the surface and sometimes it can uncover wounds we didn’t know we had.
Ask BeLinda!
This a reader-submitted section where BeLinda answers your anonymous sex, relationship, & health related questions.
Submit your safe and anonymous questions here!
QUESTION: I know HPV is for life, but I also know symptoms of it can be cleared from your cervix to where you won't have abnormal Pap smears. So if you have HPV that visibly clears from your system, can you get a vaccine for it anyway? Is it useful to get an HPV vaccine if you already have HPV -- especially if you're having long-term unprotected sex with a penis-having partner who presumably also has HPV but likely won't show any symptoms? Should he get the HPV vaccine too?
ANSWER: So the short answer yes get the vaccine. The longer answer is that anyone who is below the age of 45, has the resources, and is able to get the HPV vaccine should consider doing so even if they have already been diagnosed with HPV. There are hundreds of different HPV strains and at least 14 strains linked to causing cancer. Even if a person is already sexually active, has been exposed, or even diagnosed with HPV they can still protect themselves against those other strains of the virus.
As for having HPV for life, the answer to that is yes and no. While HPV can lie dormant for years, most immune systems will clear HPV on its own within 2 years. With that being said, I do wholeheartedly recommend getting the HPV vaccine. We hear about cervical cancer being caused by HPV but it can also cause anal and oral/throat cancers. Folks with a penis are more at risk for getting throat/oral cancers due to HPV.
It is believed that 70% of oral/throat cancers are caused by HPV. Cervical cancer is slow growing, so it can take years for it to become invasive and is often caught in the earlier stages. Anal and oral/throat cancers are not routinely screened for the way HPV is so everyone should get vaccinated, not just people with a vagina (cervix). I hope this answer helps! If you have any additional questions, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
Until next time, Lovelies!
