Pornography: Just The Tip

*If you would like to skip to the AskBelinda! reader-submitted question—scroll to the bottom of the page

Welcome back, lovelies -- or maybe this is your first time, either way get ready for a fun dive into a topic that folks have many varying, and rather strong feelings about: PORNOGRAPHY. 

This will be a two-parter, so hold onto your didlos, vibrators, and/or flesh lights! This first part is just the tip… of the pornographic iceberg. Part-two will discuss porn literacy and how to consume porn ethically. Merriam-Webster defines it as:

Despite many common misconceptions about pornography, it is not new and has been around for a long time. The biggest difference is its accessibility. 

Pornhub actually posts stats, and they made this fun graphic from their 2019 data:

So, that was just pornhub… in one minute. 

Porn has been around at least since the 1800’s, if not earlier.

Porn consumption increased the most between those born in the 1970’s vs. the 1980s. 

If it exists, there is porn for it. 

A 2008 study found, 72.8% of participants (93% of boys and  62.1% of girls) had seen online pornography before age 18. 

Most exposure began when youth were ages 14 to 17, and boys were significantly more likely to view online pornography more often and to view more types of images.

42% of girls compared to almost 7% of boys to reported never looking for pornography on purpose, indicating they were involuntarily exposed.

How old were you when you first saw porn? 

Was it an accident? 

How accessible was it? 

Did you search it out? 

Were you alone or were you with others? 

I no longer remember the first time I viewed porn, but I do remember having a birthday party at my great-grandparents house as an adolescent and hanging out in the basement with a few friends where we came across an old box of playboys. We sat together going through them in amazement, especially since we were still in our awkward and gawky phases. They were fascinating. This experience was a positive one, but it might not be for everyone. The how, what, when, and with whom a person experienced pornography for the first time can impact their view of pornography, sex, and sexuality.

Anyone else remember the Oxygen channel? I sure do. I had a friend in high school who was also still a virgin and we would watch Talk Sex with Sue Johanson while on the phone with each other. If you haven’t ever watched her, you should. We would be like “Oh, does it really do that?” in fascination, horror, and excitement. Then, after Talk Sex with Sue Johanson we would sheepishly get off the phone because “O after Dark” came on and they had shows that were soft-core porn. This was a positive experience for me, and not anything I would consider unhealthy. It is normal for folks under the age of 18 to be curious, to be sexual, and to want to begin exploring. Humans, as a whole, are sexual beings. 

Sue Johanson.

However, there are many research studies that condemn pornography. Last year I ended up in a discussion with someone I had attended grad school with who does not believe women can consent to the taking and sharing of their own nude photos, videos, etc. Her belief is based on the existence of a patriarchal society where women do not hold equal power to men so the ability to consent to their sexualization is impossible.

I do not often speak in terms of things being a “slippery slope” but this line of thinking is an example of a time when I believe that saying fits. If we were to apply this logic across the board we infantilize women and disempower them completely. It would also mean that women could not consent to any sexual experience which is a dangerous game to play. It is possible to recognize the dangers and potential hazards of something, in this case pornography, while not demonizing it in its entirety. 

It is no secret that pornography and the porn industry can be, and has been, very problematic. However, it is not inherently problematic. There are plenty of examples of folks creating ethical pornography. This is where I could get lost in the details, so in an effort to avoid accidentally writing a novel that no one asked for I am going to list a few examples of when porn IS problematic. 

Porn is problematic when:

• it is the only sex education a person receives.

• fantasy is confused with reality.

• one specific body, type of sex, etc. are glorified.

• the content is created or posted without consent.

Porn is problematic when it is the main (and only) source of actual sex education a person receives. Abstinence only “sex-ed” is not sex education. Sex education should include a focus on pleasure, porn literacy, consent, how to set and respect boundaries, communication, and healthy relationships along with all the other sex basics. It is often a place of fantasy, and for many folks, fantasies don’t often include watching a someone put a condom on, reaching for lubricant, queefs, belly farts when sticky bodies press together and forces out air like a whoopie cushion, actual farts, checking in during sex to make sure a partner is okay, cracking foreheads when someone bobs and the other forgets to weave, or slamming teeth during an eager but clumsy kiss.

Porn often shows folks ready for sex whether it’s vaginal or anal sex at any time and any place on many awful surfaces in largely uncomfortable positions. Every body is different so not every position is possible or comfortable. Some of the positions often featured in porn require a ton of endurance and for a person to not have bad knees. 

Many vaginas do not produce enough (or any) wetness when aroused for sex, and most pornstars are well lubricated before filming even begins, even if it might not look like it. There are many lubricants that might dry, but once a little moisture is introduced again it is ready to go. Ever see a porn where someone just sticks a penis into someone's butt without pausing for lubricant? The rectum does not produce lubricant like a vagina can, nor is it as elastic. Lube was probably applied before filming began. Oh, and vaginal wetness and an erect penis (or lack thereof) are not necessarily a marker of whether a person is sexually aroused. Just as vaginal “tightness” or the lips size/shape of a vulva are not an indication of how many sexual partners someone has had.

It is not uncommon for bodies in porn to be edited to look a certain way, even vaginas. Unrealistic to expectations of what a body should be able to do or look like can negatively impact folks in their relationships. Some people shave their body hair, some people don't. Some people orgasm from penetration only, some people don’t. I could go on and on, but again, no body is the same and what works for one person might not work for another. This is why it can be important for folks to masturbate to learn what they like, and why it is even more important to try to discuss likes, dislikes, and limits before sex, or at the very least asking before trying someone new with a new or established partner. 

It is also important to make sure the content being consumed was created and posted with the consent of all parties involved. The internet is filled with images/videos that were uploaded without the consent of at least one of the parties involved. Sometimes a person was coerced/threatened to participate or maybe they wanted to participate but did not want it shared with others. Some platforms actively fight against this type of content, though not all. My next feature will provide a practical guide about how to learn porn literacy so folks can ethically view and enjoy it guilt free. 

Porn itself is not inherently problematic. What is more problematic are our views of sex, sexuality, gender roles/attitudes, and pleasure as a society. These views cause more harm than porn itself as it is neither good nor bad -- it just is. According to Dr. Rothman, “It’s hard to know if, and how, this translates into behavior. While some studies show a small number of teens who watch higher rates of porn engage in earlier sex as well as gender stereotyping and sexual relationships that are less affectionate than their peers, these only indicate correlations, not cause and effect.” I definitely recommend reading her piece in the New York Times here before my next feature, but it isn't necessary. As always, please feel free to submit any questions for me to address in my upcoming features. 

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ask belinda!

This a reader-submitted section where BeLinda answers your anonymous sex, relationship, & health related questions.

Submit your safe and anonymous questions here!

QUESTION:

I suffer physical pain when I ejaculate. Its intense sharp pains in my head. When it started, it ended my marriage because my wife couldn't handle causing me such pain. It has also caused issues in relationships since. My question is, do I approach this issue when and not seem too forward with my date? How do I find out if she can handle it before investing too much into the relationship?

ANSWER:

First, I want to say I am sorry this has caused you both physical and emotional pain. Second, I want to say that if you haven’t yet, talk to your doctor as they might have some answers or possible solutions. Now, as to your actual question: I have a few ideas/suggestions. Is sexual intimacy necessary for your romantic relationships? If it isn’t I would definitely recommend looking to connect with folks who have low sex drives, no sex drives, or who don’t need sex as a part of their romantic relationships. You might not be on the asexual spectrum, but finding folks who are might make things easier. How do you feel about non-monogamy? If you have a partner or partners who enjoy sex, but don’t necessarily need sex in romantic connections, this might be ideal. Another option could be exploring sex in a more sensual way by removing the focus on penetrative sex. You could use toys on your partners, provide oral or digital sex, or even see how edging works. Another question is: have you explored kink at all? There might be other ways to explore sex and connection that fall outside of the norm. As for “when” you tell a potential partner I would recommend doing so pretty early on. If you use a dating app you could maybe include a line that says “Looking for romantic connections, but not sexual” and then disclose if they strike up a conversation. It allows any potential partners to choose when they feel comfortable finding out that information while also allowing you to, hopefully, weed out someone who might not be compatible if they are looking for a sexual relationship. 

I wish you all the luck and hope you find some relief. 

Until next time, lovelies. 

Previous Features by BeLinda: